in memoriam of the katherine that was

I was digging through an old web account today where I had stored photos while I was in college. I hadn't seen this one in a long long time. Here I am taking a photograph at my hotel balcony in Havana, Cuba. I can tell I am smiling, likely because Karen, who took this photo, was likely trying to distract me. This trip was in June/July 2002 - my mother sent me on it as a part of my graduation present. It was a trip that changed my life and put such an intense love of Cuba in my heart.

This photo makes me smile, but is also makes me really sad. It seems like a lifetime ago and I was such a different person then. I liked myself back then. I was adventurous and outgoing. I had self-esteem and was confident and comfortable. These days? Not so much. It has been a downward spiral in that department since I moved to Chicago. I am not even sure I could tell you why. I am sure a good part of it has to do with isolation, loneliness and lack of community and connection. I have analyzed it ad nauseum without any real answers. I miss those days and I miss the me of those days.

2002 was one of the best years of my life as I graduated college and started graduate school. That summer was filled with travel, friends, family, new opportunities, critical mass, a lot of shows/concerts. It really was a major turning point in my development and direction.....I hope to reclaim some of what I have lost in recent years with a return to graduate school and engaging in community and work that matters.

all done

Wow - that dentist was a pro! He also looked like he hopped off the pages of GQ magazine - 30something handsome, botox, tan, "perfect" teeth (go figure) and all.....I got through the procedure with minimal pain. Getting the anesthetic shots was the worst part. I left with a very swollen face, mouth filled with gauze and feeling a little shaky and hot from the anesthetic. I can't eat solid food for at least a day, so I had a Frosty for lunch. I can't complain, though it was quite a feat to get it in my mouth and down the throat. I think I will have the same for dinner.....or maybe some chicken noodle soup - that sounds yummy!

The anesthetic is starting to wear off and the pain is now setting in. I can't take any of the vicodin until after I get Graham from work at 5. So, I just need to hold out a couple more hours. I bought a new book this morning while I was waiting for my appointment, Water for Elephants. So far it is a great read and I plan on hopping in bed with it as soon as I get Graham, take a shower, some meds and get in my pajamas!

I am thankful it is over and look forward better health overall! I hope this is a significant factor in eliminating my chronic headaches and dizziness!

L'Chaim!

bad tooth - good trip

This is about what the view looks like from my mother's back patio outside of Woodstock, NY. After some disappointing news today that I will not be traveling to St Louis this week to see her and some friends and to attend a wedding - she offered to fly me out to NY to spend some time with her before the summer is over. So, I will be leaving on the 6th and back on the 11th. I get crazy homesick for Graham when I am away from home, but I haven't been able to spend much time with my mom in well over a year. So, it will be so nice to have some quality time with her. I plan on studying during the day and then in the late afternoon and evenings partake is some nature hikes and cooking projects! My mom is returning to NY after a trip to CA to go to my Great Aunt Jean's memorial service. I will actually be on the same flight as her, since she is laying over in Chicago! Yay!

On the bad side of things.....the reason for the cancellation of my trip to St Louis is because I need to go to the oral surgeon tomorrow to have an infected tooth removed. Last night, as I was sleeping, a big chunk of my upper left wisdom tooth came out. I had suffered from a really intense migraine the entire day, had slept a majority of the day and night, and was nauseous and feverish......I thought it was just another migraine, like always, but I think that maybe these headaches I get so frequently might be attributed to this tooth. One can hope. My quality of life will improve tenfold once I can go a few days without dizziness and headaches. I have suffered from chronic headaches and dizziness for a long long time. So, I am inclined to think that it isn't just the tooth - but, I do hope that removing it will help.

For now, antibiotics and vicodin will get me through the night.

notes from the 'bou

I love Saturday's at Caribou Coffee ..... while it's always a relaxing place to be, Saturdays seem to be even more laid back.

Today, I have arrived.....the woman who works the espresso machine finally knows my name and I hers. My friend Rocky has asked a number of times, "do they know your name yet?" Now, I can answer with a resounding, "yes!"

Anyhow, the reason for this note from the 'bou is to document the short attention span winner of the week. A guy who is in here quite frequently is sitting a few tables from me watching a movie on his laptop AND reading a book......now, I am not sure how that works, but he seems to have it down. I keep trying to figure out what the movie is. It looks like some sort of science fiction film, and he is reading a science fiction paperback - so at least he is staying within genre.

I can't say much about my own attention span. For every 20 min I am studying, I am on the computer for 10.....

I also ran into Dave (who works for my previous employer) and his wife today. I always enjoy bumping into him. He is quick with a joke and thoroughly enjoyable to speak with. We came up with a new saying and joked about writing it down, for later use. It was a good one, too! Of course, I didn't write it down and now I can't remember it. D'oh!

when did george become king?

Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq

Please read this memo put out by the Bush Administration a few days ago. (click on picture) This executive order threatens the very foundation of law and protection provided for the citizens of the United States. Basically, if a citizen or group is found to be threatening to the Iraq effort they could have their property seized, by executive order. To me, this spells trouble for anti-war groups and others who speak out against the injustices perpetrated by this corrupt administration.

The righties always cry afoul when this administration is compared to Nazi Germany. However, lest they forget, the Third Reich came to power - and the Holocaust came about - not in one sweeping move, but by gradual, small actions to chip away at the rights of citizens. I can't help but see a connection with the actions of the Bush Administration over the last few years....and this move is abhorrent.

Please pass this link on.....it is important to get the word out.

happy dance

I got news today that I am receiving a 1/3 departmental scholarship!! Yes!

Things just keep looking up!

Now, if I could just land that assistantship.....

yay mama!

I am in the Caribou today, plowing through a book about slave resistance in nineteenth century Cuba. It is actually pretty darn interesting.....

But, I digress.... A few minutes ago, a woman comes and plops down in the seat next to me and picks up her baby from the pumpkin seat. She gets settled in with him, pulls out a blanket and a book and proceeds to nurse him while reading! It is so lovely to see a woman in public, nursing and looking so relaxed and content. Bless the mama!

hopeful hopeful

I have applied to a wonderful graduate assistant position working in the Women and Leadership archives. It looks like a most wonderful job - even if the commute would be a bit of a bear. I am really hopeful about landing this position. It pays pretty decent for part time work, but it is the experience I would most value. I am crazy qualified and think I have a decent shot at it.

I did a transit mapping of the commute from the Metra station and it isn't too bad - just two buses/50 min ride. So, the total commute would be 1.5-2 hours, but think of all the study time that would provide!

Fingers crossed!

oh, steve perry

Is it wrong to actually dig this song? If it's wrong, I don't wanna be right! I mean come on, you cannot deny it's greatness as a classic in the canon of 80's pop/rock history. I admit it, I have listened to it many a time in my car, windows up, volume up, rocking out!

This video is quite laughable - but it's like a trainwreck, you just can't look away. Muscle shirts, sunglasses, t-shirts and sportcoats, tight jeans! And what is with the keyboard player? I love the air-keyboard action and the "meow, I am going to pounce on you" move he throws in there from time to time.

It was indeed named the worst video of all time. But I would argue that it's the BEST worst video of all time!

Classic. Enjoy!

bellows in columbus

During the same phone call where I received the news of my great aunt's passing this morning, I also found out that there is a new Bellows exhibit up at the Columbus Museum of Art. I would really like to try and get over that way to see the exhibit. Maybe it could be a nice weekend drive/trip by the end of summer - before school starts. Graham and I were at that museum a couple years ago and I absolutely loved it. They have an amazing collection of the works of Aminah Robinson and Elijah Pierce - who I fell in love with on that visit. Their children's wing of the museum is beyond compare. It may be my favorite part museum I have ever been to.....okay, so it's not the Louvre or the Met in NY or the National Gallery in London (all of those were amazing!) but it is still my favorite. However, I may be a bit biased, since they have a large Bellows collection - and my name is indeed Katherine Bellows Stewart. :)

Link to the museum in the title of this post.

Here is a synopsis of the exhibit:

Well respected for his ability to capture the spirit and character of American life in the early twentieth century, George Bellows's paintings and drawings convey the liveliness and sport of a society defining itself in a new century. From the boxing ring to the seashore, his drawings have a vibrancy of line and energetic spirit that bring the scenes and times to life. The drawings in this exhibition, from the esteemed collection of the Boston Public Library, were collected and donated to that institution by Albert H. Wiggin. They were last shown as a collection in the 1950s, and only a few sheets have been exhibited publicly since then. This collection of drawings comprises preparatory works for paintings and lithographs. Also included are finished works that were intended for publication in magazines and newspapers. Their subjects range from intimate studies of the artist's friends and family to public sporting events, social gatherings, and other candid snapshots of American life, many recorded on assignments for popular magazines such as Harper's Weekly and The Masses. The Powerful Hand of George Bellows: Drawings from the Boston Public Library is organized by the Trust for Museum Exhibitions.

fare thee well my dear aunt jean

I got word this morning that my great aunt Jean passed away over the weekend. She had been ill for some time and I had not seen her in a good many years. She was the sister of my grandmother and daughter of the well known American artist, George Bellows. The image to the left is a lithograph of her as a child. She grew up in Woodstock, NY and then moved to NYC to pursue a career on the stage. She had bit parts here and there and was a staple in NY summer stock in the 1930's. She screen tested for Scarlett O'Hara and there are photographs of her (as a child) with Robert Taylor and the Gish sisters. We have some fabulous starlet photographs of her.

The last time I saw her was at a Bellows exhibit in Columbus, OH and that was almost ten years ago. Oh, how time flies.

Her passing has been long expected, as she has been in poor health for a good many years. But, it still gives me pause and the need to reflect on her life and the impact she had on my family. Bless you Jean, I hope they are serving up cocktails and mah-jong for you in heaven.

for graham

he's the best.

this could very well be the greatest 2 minutes in television history.

the perfect jeans?

I hate to be an agent for the dissemination of advertising - but I have to sing the praises of the new Lane Bryant jeans!! For us ladies with some curves, chub, and what have you - it can be very difficult to find the right kind of jeans! I have some pretty serious hips and quite the Buddha belly as well.....I have never fit well into Lane Bryant's jeans and was distraught when I no longer fit into the Gap ones I liked so much. So, I haven't been much of a denim wearer for the last couple years.

So, I was in Lane Bryant yesterday to get some jogging shorts - and saw their new jeans line in stock. I figured I would see how they worked - since it was a huge launch and I had heard a few things about the new sizing. They have 3 different body shapes and then a number of different cuts within the shape and then of course sizing within each shape/cut......I discovered a pair of jeans that actually sit on my hips like a glove! woah! No more buckling material in the back, causing the plumber booty!!

The only thing that keeps these from being the "perfect" jeans is the fact they still use stretch denim, which I don't like - though they are using a new fiber mix, which doesn't have the same elasticity as the old ones. I like my jeans firm and rigid - not all stretchy.....they aren't perfect. But, they are close.

I have to say - if you are in the plus size range and you need a good fit in your denim....go and try some on. The rest of the fashion industry needs to catch on. We ladies are not all shaped the same! Hallelujah Lane Bryant! They aren't your mother's Lane Bryant anymore.....remember when all they had were old lady clothes? yeeesh!

something to check out

A couple weeks ago, as I was semi-drugged with Tylenol PM, battling a raging migraine, I plopped myself in front of the tube and watched this beautiful film about Sesame Street around the world. I was so deeply heartened to watch the production process in action. Instead of taking the US version of Sesame Street, and dubbing it into "fill in the blank" language, they send people from the Children's Television Workshop to the country of development to work with people from that country. They act more as advisers instead of directors.

It was beautiful to watch groups of people discuss how they can best address the educational and safety needs of the children in their country. They are actively teaching tolerance and reconciliation between historically divided ethnic groups. One woman in this documentary says that while many children in Kosovo already have negative feelings towards one another, it is through this dialogue that we create more space and understanding for the next generation. This speaks to hope for the future and for peace.

I thought this project was beautiful, creative and in a way it is indeed revolutionary. Sesame Street in the US was revolutionary - created in the late 70's to assist low income children learn the ABCs and numbers, so they could be on pace with children who had the luxury of pre-school. Of course Sesame Street has become a marketing empire, but I really believe that it still holds true to its original goals and as it moves around the world into places where children are working at the age of six in trash dumps to help their family eat. Sesame Street is able to reach out to them and help them grow and develop. Even the muppets are developed with each culture's needs and traditions in mind. In South Africa there is a muppet with HIV, since HIV/AIDS is so prevalent in the everyday lives of so much of the population. I think it is wonderful that they are addressing it, instead of treating it like a silent ghost that the puritanism of the US doesn't want anyone to talk about. I remember the conservative backlash about this, back when the muppet was created.

Anyhow - click on the entry title for a link to the film - you may still be able to catch it on PBS, though it is also available on Amazon.

flying colors

Word has arrived from my professor.....I passed my second exam with "flying colors!" She hasn't sent a review to the other profs on my committee, but will be doing so soon - so I hope it has a little more feedback on it. I am actually pretty sad to be moving away from the material I have been working with. Finally having a grip on Foucault, and reading boatloads of Susan Bordo (who is my new HERO) has really had a significant impact on my life. I thought the preparation and exam would be like pulling nails......but, I really enjoyed all of it.

I am moving onto Cuban History on Monday - which is what my major was. I am pretty burned out at this point, but I hope getting back into Cuba will be a joy rather than a stress. I start Loyola in like 6 weeks - so I have to get as much of this stuff under my belt as possible before that starts. It's a pretty huge reading list.

Anyhow, here is the question for my 2nd exam.....good, good stuff......

--

I want you to connect Foucault’s notions of how we “know” historical events (his ideas of the “Archaeology of Knowledge”) with the development of feminist theory. Why would his basic questioning of the connection of the development between power and knowledge have led Judith Butler to focus on uncovering the importance of examining the previously unexamined categories (pre-discursive categories) of male and female? Here, I’m thinking of dominant and subaltern, male and female.

What was it in Foucault’s ideas that opened the door to feminist theorists to use his ideas of the ways in which the entrenched power of modernity structured power relations that also allowed feminist theorists to re-imagine another avenue for uncovering the gender biases inherent in patriarchy?

How does Susan Bordo take it a step further to focus on the female as body to “flesh out” (Foucault’s ideas of the “docile body”) the impact of gender designation in (post)modern Western culture? Even thought Foucault does not directly address females, how do his ideas of the rationalization of norms and the establishment of deviancy impact females in today’s society? How does Bordo understand those constraints?

oh the humanity

You know a book is going to be pretty trashy when a picture of the author fills the entire back cover with some Joan Collins wanna-be glamour shot.

I have no idea why, but ever since I saw Tina Brown, a gossip rag editor, on Larry King a few weeks ago I have had this curious desire to read her book on Princess Diana. I can't explain it. The whole idea of royalty repulses me, and the circus surrounding Diana, in life and in death, was ridiculous. However, I found myself browsing the books at Borders the other day and felt compelled to read it as a down time book over the next few days, while I gear up for exam number three.

So, Tina Brown is no pulitzer prize winning journalist - but I find myself in the grips of this tome on royalty, aristocracy, infidelity, gossip, etc.....I am not sure what the appeal is - and I am still not sure why I am reading it. If I ever figure it out, I will let you know.

two down

and one to go.....On Wednesday, I finished my 2nd MA exam. Word from my prof should come down later today as to how I did on it. I was able to crank out almost 9 pages (typed) in three hours. I have a few concerns about it - but feel pretty good. It was the scene that followed the exam that left much to be desired.

I could not get on the university's wi-fi to send the exam and had to run around and buy a CD-R and burn it, find a computer to send it from. The one in Starbucks didn't read the disc properly, so I ended up in IT and they were able to get it off the disc, get me online and get it sent. Whew. So, after 45 min of panic and rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off - I grab a Frappucino and head home. I stop by Borders, pick up a James Dean flick *sigh* and then stop over at my favorite pizza place for salad and pizza. I arrive home, and go to get out my laptop to find it is not in my book bag. I start panicking, trying to remember if I left it in IT or entertain the possibility of it been stolen from my car. It is late in the day and all of the IT people are gone by that point. So, to make a long story short - I spent the evening in an emotional state, very stressed and concerned.....and I get ahold of IT in the AM. They had it, I picked it up and hit the road.

I drove back to Chicago with my friend Jason yesterday, which was uneventful, but nice. We went to Gino's East for dinner and then went to a Chicago Fire game. I have never been to one and enjoyed it thoroughly. I have never been to a football (soccer) match outside of England, so it was cool to see an MLS game after all these years. It is by far the easiest sporting event for me to travel to in the Chicago area, and I definitely plan on going again. They have fairly inexpensive tickets and parking isn't too terribly expensive. We had great seats, the weather was absolutely divine, and despite a Fire loss, it was a great time.

Now, I am on "vacation" until Monday, when I start back into reading boatloads of monographs for my third and final MA exam on Cuban History. I plan on a weekend of relaxing, reading, finally watching that James Dean movie, etc.....I hope to get in a few walk/jogs and get back to some healthy eating.

In other news - my mother is seriously considering giving us her house in St Louis. This is mind boggling news. It is such a great townhouse, in a fabulous neighborhood and with great neighbors. I am pretty biased, seeing as I grew up there. But, it's a hop from the park (largest urban park outside of Central Park in NYC - great for walking, biking - and the art museum, zoo, history museum, etc are all in there!) and is very accessible to most of the city neighborhoods and downtown. I wish we could just move there now - but of course Graham has to finish Loyola, I am about to start a program at Loyola and I don't want to move Emily right now with her her school plan. But, we are looking at a 2 year plan and then moving down there. This isn't set in stone - but it is on the table. Oh wow. wow. wow.

Alright - a day of library, coffee, books, movies, etc awaits......hallelujah!

meet me in st louis

Oh, it is absolutely wonderful to be back in St Louis. I can't remember the last time I was here where I could just relax. It seems like we are always in and out over the course of a day or two. It has been so delightful to spend time with my friends and have quiet time at home. I have my mom's place all to myself.

I also can't remember the last time I had a couple days to myself. With the three of us living on top of each other in our teeny apartment, it is nice to have some space and quiet. However, I haven't been enjoying the nighttime much, as I get a little nervous and paranoid being here alone and in such a large space.

My 2nd MA exam is quickly approaching and will be done soon. Whew. And then back to Chicago with my friend Jason, who I am hitching a ride with.

In the last 2 and 1/2 days I have been able to dote on five little ones, do some serious car dancing with Dave, eat delish food, have intense conversations, hang out with a favorite prof, and spend time with beloved old friends. I am really hoping we will move back here in a couple years when we are both done at Loyola. St Louis is SO much easier to live in. Plus, I have such a wonderful abundance of friends here who I feel so close to and connected with. They are all pushing for us to come back. It feels nice to be missed and wanted. The only regret I have in recent years is the move to Chicago - though it was worth it in the long run, so I could be with Graham. I am tired of feeling so alone and isolated. Graham is definitely open to the idea of moving back here - but we will see what the school/work situation is at that point. I called him tonight and said, "I don't want to come home - I just want you to come here." I will be back in Chicago in less than 2 days, but will be back in STL in 2 weeks......so, that is something to look forward to.

still at home

at the Caribou. I have been working on MA comp stuff for three months now. Leading up to my first, I was in the Caribou almost every day. After I finished that exam in late May, I decided to make a change of routine. I now switch it up between Caribou and the library. The type of studying I am doing for my second exam is much different, so I value the large tables at the library where I can spread out a bit.

I am taking my 2nd exam next week - and am feeling pretty well prepared for it. I am feeling the crunch, but am more and more confident as the test approaches. I was terrified when I first got the exam focus last week.....but, after a week of studying on it, meditating on it, dreaming about it, etc......I am feeling more at home with the material and how I will tackle it in writing.

Beethoven's 9th was phenomenal - we enjoyed a "date" that evening, complete with Ethiopian food - we used the evening to celebrate our 3 years together. A few days after that I was blessed to be able to enjoy an evening of Mavis Staples and the Blind Boys of Alabama.....

It is so hard to believe it is already July. It is also hard to believe that this season's White Sox team could possibly be the worst team I have ever seen. Crikey.